Going Crazy

Sometimes I feel like a crazy person. My emotions are all over the place. And as I try not to be controlled by them. Sometimes I wonder if it's making me more crazy. I can swing from feeling peaceful and trusting in God's sovereignty to overwhelming frustration in the matter of moments. I'm constantly trying to keep my emotions at bay. And it's exhausting.
Today I was already feeling frustrated again about the adoption when I learned that I need to re-do my fingerprints because they expire soon. And if we don't travel before September we will have to update our Homestudy. Which will be an additional cost. So needless to say I felt so much more cheery after hearing that. (Do you hear the sarcasm in my voice) It's not so much about the money. It's that we're waiting and waiting and then to add insult to injury, we've waited so long some of our paperwork is going to expire. Can we just get passed this already!
I can't describe the ache in my heart. I want to hold her in my arms more than anything. I want to look into her eyes. And sing her songs. I want to rock her and read to her and kiss her cheeks. I want her. I want her. I want her.

Trusting God

What a journey this is. I never fathomed that I would still be waiting but here I am. This was a great week but a hard day. This week I listened to a sermon series on Trusting God. It was a study on the book of Habakuk. It challenged me SO much. He talked about so much of what God has already been teaching me, but said it all in a much better way.
Part of me wants to question God. Part of me wants to be mad at God. Why doesn't he answer my prayer and miraculously process my paperwork so I can get my baby? If God's heart is for adoption then why can't I adopt my baby? Sometimes I feel like God has forgotten my case. Sometimes I feel like God is witholding good from me. My mind knows the answers. But sometimes my heart doesn't listen to my mind. But when I am in the midst of this storm. When all I can see is what's going on right here, in my life. And I am still waiting. I don't have the whole picture. I have limited information and limited perspective. And that's when I have to rely on what I KNOW about God. I know that God does hear my prayers and is answering. He is working in Ethiopia, He is working for the cause of the orphan, and He hasn't forgotten. God IS faithful. God IS Just. And God IS good. When my heart wants to question God and be angry. That's when I need to preach to my heart. Because in God's character there is fullness of Joy. I think I need my baby now. But God is doing something so much bigger than me and my ideas. I'm not suggesting that it's not okay for me to be sad. I'm not pretending that it's not painful. But my hope must be in God. He works for His glory and for our good. I will know God's blessing in the end. If my hope is in Him. Because whether I get what I want or not. God's character does not change. And in God there is fullness of Joy.

Habakuk 3:17-18
"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior."

A Song

This song has been particularly meaningful to me lately. So I thought I'd share the Lyrics with you.

Blessed is the One
by Daniel Doss Band

Blessed is the one who trusts you
Like a tree that cannot be moved
You say jump to arms wide open
I am scared but I am willing

For blessed is the one
Blessed is the one who trusts in you
Faithful, Just, and Good
Shepherd of my heart
Lead me to where you are

I remember all your goodness
Suffering through the desert places
You never said it would be easy
You just promised you'd be with me

For blessed is the one
Blessed is the one who trust in you
Faithful, Just, and Good
Shepherd of my heart
Lead me to where you are
You who holds my destiny
I follow foolishly
Your love will be my song
So I will trust you

I will trust you in the pain
When I can't see past today
When it's hard to lift my hands to praise you
I will trust you

More Lessons

So as not to lose all of my blog followers I thought I should post something. Our adoption is still in the same place. We've been waiting on one piece of paper for about a month now. And we have no idea when that is going to happen.
Over the last several weeks God has really given me a lot of peace. I still have bad days but I've been much less consumed by the whole process. God continues to teach me SO SO much. And he continues to surround me by people who are so supportive and are standing in the gap and interceding for us.

I often don't know what to pray. Do I pray with faith that God will bring her home before the courts close? He hasn't promised me that. But he says to pray and believe it will happen. And that sometimes we have not because we ask not. But he also says to pray according to God's will. I don't know what God's will is. So I cling to this verse:
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." Romans 8:26&27

The promise I DO have is this: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son..." Romans 8:28&29
God promises to work all things out for our good. And I cling to the knowledge that God is good. But he has opened my eyes in a new way to His goodness. God promises to work things out for our good, meaning to be conformed to the likeness of His son (as verse 29 states). God IS good and my ultimate good is not getting what I want. It is being conformed to His image. Psalms 73:28 "But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds."

God has truly stretched my faith and stretched my understanding of Him. And for that I am thankful.

Still No News

So I guess I lied because I said I wasn't going to update my blog until I got a court date. But shortly after my last post, God had a little talking to me about my attitude. So I thought I'd share some of what God is teaching me. First of all, I am continually amazed at how much God is working in my life. And it would take way to long to type it all out. But I'll give you a brief look.
I read a devotional that talked about being a picture to the world of what God is about to do. And it ended with the question: How can my life be more of a picture of God's heart? I felt so convicted. I felt like God slapped the back of my head and said "HEY! IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!"
This story, this adoption, is about God. It is for His glory and to demonstrate his redemption. It's not about me, and my desires. God is not with holding good from me. He promises to work all things for good for those that love him.
I also read a couple of passages. Psalms 130:5 "I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope."
And I can't type out the whole passage, but I read Isaiah 40:21-31. But verse 23-26 says, " 23He it is who reduces rulers to nothing,
Who makes the judges of the earth meaningless.
24 Scarcely have they been planted,
Scarcely have they been sown,
Scarcely has their stock taken root in the earth,
But He merely blows on them, and they wither,
And the storm carries them away like stubble.
25" To whom then will you liken Me
That I would be his equal?" says the Holy One.
26 Lift up your eyes on high
And see who has created these stars,
The One who leads forth their host by number,
He calls them all by name;
Because of the greatness of His might and the strength of His power,
Not one of them is missing.

Goodness, I can't even begin to tell you all the ways that this (and the rest of the passage) speak to me. But the gist of it is this: my heart needs to be waiting on God. This adoption is not being controlled by the paperwork, the agency or the "judges of this world" God is in complete control. I need to lift my eyes up to him. My hope is in HIM. He will give me strength. He has not forgotten my cause.

So I realize, that seems long. But that is as brief as I can put it. Please continue to pray for me, for Violet, and that we get a court date.

Forever waiting

So, we had heard our paperwork would be done. It's not. We're still waiting. I don't know when it's going to be done. So honestly, at this point when I hear updates, I'm not really getting my hopes up. We'll get a date when we get a date. I'm not going to keep expecting it to be soon just to hear, we're still waiting. We're both pretty frustrated and discouraged. So, I don't really plan to update my blog again until I actually have a date. Thank you for your prayers.

New Blog

As you can see, I fancied up my blog. Do you like it? Well, usually Wednesdays are the day that I hope for a court date. But Sue had told me that I would not be getting one this week. Since our paperwork should have been finished on friday, hopefully they'll turn it in to court this week. But so far I have no confirmation of that. She didn't receive any of the updates yesterday, so hopefully tomorrow we'll hear the status of our paperwork. BUT, please keep praying for a May court date. AND please keep praying for Violet. AND, please keep praying for me. The waiting is so tremendously hard. I can't possibly explain how badly I want to go get my baby. I want to hold her more than I've ever wanted anything in my life.