Going Crazy

Sometimes I feel like a crazy person. My emotions are all over the place. And as I try not to be controlled by them. Sometimes I wonder if it's making me more crazy. I can swing from feeling peaceful and trusting in God's sovereignty to overwhelming frustration in the matter of moments. I'm constantly trying to keep my emotions at bay. And it's exhausting.
Today I was already feeling frustrated again about the adoption when I learned that I need to re-do my fingerprints because they expire soon. And if we don't travel before September we will have to update our Homestudy. Which will be an additional cost. So needless to say I felt so much more cheery after hearing that. (Do you hear the sarcasm in my voice) It's not so much about the money. It's that we're waiting and waiting and then to add insult to injury, we've waited so long some of our paperwork is going to expire. Can we just get passed this already!
I can't describe the ache in my heart. I want to hold her in my arms more than anything. I want to look into her eyes. And sing her songs. I want to rock her and read to her and kiss her cheeks. I want her. I want her. I want her.

Trusting God

What a journey this is. I never fathomed that I would still be waiting but here I am. This was a great week but a hard day. This week I listened to a sermon series on Trusting God. It was a study on the book of Habakuk. It challenged me SO much. He talked about so much of what God has already been teaching me, but said it all in a much better way.
Part of me wants to question God. Part of me wants to be mad at God. Why doesn't he answer my prayer and miraculously process my paperwork so I can get my baby? If God's heart is for adoption then why can't I adopt my baby? Sometimes I feel like God has forgotten my case. Sometimes I feel like God is witholding good from me. My mind knows the answers. But sometimes my heart doesn't listen to my mind. But when I am in the midst of this storm. When all I can see is what's going on right here, in my life. And I am still waiting. I don't have the whole picture. I have limited information and limited perspective. And that's when I have to rely on what I KNOW about God. I know that God does hear my prayers and is answering. He is working in Ethiopia, He is working for the cause of the orphan, and He hasn't forgotten. God IS faithful. God IS Just. And God IS good. When my heart wants to question God and be angry. That's when I need to preach to my heart. Because in God's character there is fullness of Joy. I think I need my baby now. But God is doing something so much bigger than me and my ideas. I'm not suggesting that it's not okay for me to be sad. I'm not pretending that it's not painful. But my hope must be in God. He works for His glory and for our good. I will know God's blessing in the end. If my hope is in Him. Because whether I get what I want or not. God's character does not change. And in God there is fullness of Joy.

Habakuk 3:17-18
"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior."

A Song

This song has been particularly meaningful to me lately. So I thought I'd share the Lyrics with you.

Blessed is the One
by Daniel Doss Band

Blessed is the one who trusts you
Like a tree that cannot be moved
You say jump to arms wide open
I am scared but I am willing

For blessed is the one
Blessed is the one who trusts in you
Faithful, Just, and Good
Shepherd of my heart
Lead me to where you are

I remember all your goodness
Suffering through the desert places
You never said it would be easy
You just promised you'd be with me

For blessed is the one
Blessed is the one who trust in you
Faithful, Just, and Good
Shepherd of my heart
Lead me to where you are
You who holds my destiny
I follow foolishly
Your love will be my song
So I will trust you

I will trust you in the pain
When I can't see past today
When it's hard to lift my hands to praise you
I will trust you