Merry Christmas

I dreaded the holidays this year. The thought of going through Christmas again without my babies was unbearable to me. But having a court date has given me so much more hope, and I ended up having a wonderful Christmas. Violet and Tytus have no idea how loved they are. They are going to be a part of a family that is full of so much love. I felt so blessed opening multiple presents this year for my children who are not yet home, and yet already considered to be family by my parents/brothers/sisters etc.
I'm already a mommy in my heart but in 5 days I may legally be the mommy of one of my children. Christmas may be over but I'm hoping the most wonderful day of the year is yet to come.

COURT DATE!!!!

On monday December 7th we received our Court Date for Violet on December 30th! I can't even begin to explain how happy I was to get that call. I was crying and laughing and shaking and screaming. I was also driving which proved to be quite dangerous! :) It felt like the best day of my life. I woke up early and found snow outside which NEVER happens where we live. I think it's only snowed once in my life. AND my nephew was born that day, and I got a court date. Could I be any happier? Well, maybe, come December 30th. :) PRAISE THE LORD! He is always good!

If you would have told me in February when we first layed eyes on our baby girl, that we would wait until now, I wouldn't have been able to handle it. I think I would have lost it. Not that I didn't lose it several times along the journey, but God has been so faithful and so gracious to me. I have experienced his comfort, his joy, his peace, his goodness in new ways. But the journeys not over yet.

PLEASE join me in praying that we pass court on December 30th. There are many reasons that a person fails court. If we don't pass they will reschedule for another day. SO please pray that we pass.

As for Tytus, we are still waiting on his paperwork. I will keep you all posted if we hear anything :)

Rambling

Each time we take a step forward a few days later I find out we've taken a step back. I know God is still working. He's working in Ethiopia and He's working in me. I find myself so thankful for what He has taught me. This is what I want. I want God to refine me and make me more like Him. I had no idea how wicked my heart can be. I want Him to draw me near. And yet I SO want to be done with this trial. Even as I give my burdens over to the Lord and even while I declare my devotion to Him I can feel myself taking it all back.

There's a perfect peace and joy in knowing that this world is temporary, in knowing that our real home is in heaven with our savior, in knowing that our God is sovereign and just. That knowledge gives us hope in our trials and indeed it is my hope. But I'm still learning what it means, what it looks like to have peace and joy. I'll lay on my face and pour it all out to God and get up and still feel wrecked inside. So maybe I'm missing something. But I read a verse recently that encouraged me greatly.

Psalms 103:11-14
"For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust".

And so I think it's okay that we struggle. It's okay that I fall apart sometimes. Because God knows how I am formed. And He is compassionate. I am not strong. But He is.

Happy Birthday Violet

Today my baby girl turned one years old. This post is for her:
Violet, I love you more that I could ever express in words. Though it breaks my heart to not be with you on this special day. My heart is full of joy as I look at your pictures. I am so honored that I will be your mommy. You are more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. And your sweet spirit shines through in every photo. Your life is a blessing from God. I can't wait to hold you in my arms. There are many more firsts to come, and I can't wait to share them with you.
I love you Violet.

God is Good

Wow, how many times can God work me over before I REALLY REALLY get it! I have so much to share, I wrote pages in my journal and still don't feel like I fully expressed myself. But I will once again try to summarize the things that God is teaching me.
On Wednesday of this week I was hoping to find out our paperwork had been submitted to court. Instead I found out that their was a missing signature and it was sent back to the local official. I felt so angry and frustrated at first. Why does every step have to be such a battle!
Then Sam told me how he felt bad about expressing so much frustration about the adoption because he really does believe that this will happen in God's perfect timing. And WHAM! It was like God through a glass of cold water in my face! (except God is so much more gentle than that!). Do I NOT believe in God's sovereignty, in His Goodness, in His Faithfulness. Why must I fight him on every step. I am so much like the Israelites wandering in the dessert... God parts the red sea and the next day I'm all worked up about having nothing to eat. Didn't He just show me how capable and powerful and miraculous He is!
That night was youth group and we were having an all worship night. During the service we sang two songs that have specific meaning for me. One that reminds me of a time in my life when I feel like God moved heaven and earth to fulfill one of my dreams. The song is called O Praise Him. It instantly reminded me of all the events that God orchestrated to make it happen. At that time I was committed to only have Praise for God on my lips. And hearing the song convicted me of all my griping and complaining through this adoption process. When in the end, God is doing something good. That's a promise.
The other song is called Sanctuary of God and was written by the pastor of my old church. It's based on the story of Asaph. And God used that Psalm to teach me about His goodness. God's goodness does not depend on our circumstances. He is always Good, and our good is in being near HIM. And singing the song moved me deeply as God reminded me all the things He has shown me.
I felt as though God just said, "Hey, calm down and look to me! Don't you remember who I am?" I wish that my first reaction would be to trust God. I'm so thankful that He doesn't give up on me when my first response is poor.
I KNOW that God called us to this adoption. I KNOW that He lead us down this path. And I WILL follow Him all the way. God is GOOD! All the time!

Courts Open

The courts are open again! I found out last wednesday the 7th, that our paperwork was signed by the official and should be ready to be turned in when the courts opened. Well courts opened today but I wont get an update until wednesday. I've been awake for 2 1/2 hours and the anticipation is already killing me! I'm so happy that we've finally had progress on the adoption, but will feel more relief when I know the papers are actually at the court.

So the process from here: If our papers were turned in for Violet we will get our court date appointment sometime in the next few weeks. The date will probably be for several weeks away. Then when the court hears our case IF they approve us the first time then we would travel 6-8 weeks later. So the earliest we would travel would probably be in December.

As for Tytus, I dont have an update on the status of his paperwork.

Thank you for your continued prayers!

Second Medicals for Tytus

We got Tytus's second medicals on thursday! YAY! This is a big step. As soon as my pediatrician looks them over, then they will begin gathering the paperwork to submit to court. So basically Violet and Tytus's adoptions are in the same place. I'm really starting to wonder if we're going to end up getting Tytus first. Wouldn't that be crazy!
Violet's paperwork is still spinning in circles. So, I'll spare you the details, honestly they're so confuzing and we take two steps forward three steps back so it's hard to follow. We haven't actually made any progress since April.
God continues to work me over and turn me inside out. The last few weeks He has been giving me a glimpse into my own heart. About how I was allowing bitterness to take root. About how I was blaming my problems on the adoption and not realizing, it's my heart that is the problem. I've once again strayed from depending on Him everyday. I'm not walking closely with my savior. I'm thinking only about the adoption and pretty much nothing else. And basically that amounts to worshipping the adoption and not Him. I find myself crying out, "How long O God? How long will you not answer me?" And last week I heard him say back, "How long O Katy? How long will you not worship me?"
He is remaking me, refining me. Though I may hate to admit it, I'm going to be a better mom because of all of this. I've prayed that God would prepare my heart and I just didn't realize how much work it needed.
I will choose this day to worship the one and only God, because He alone is worthy.