Rambling

Each time we take a step forward a few days later I find out we've taken a step back. I know God is still working. He's working in Ethiopia and He's working in me. I find myself so thankful for what He has taught me. This is what I want. I want God to refine me and make me more like Him. I had no idea how wicked my heart can be. I want Him to draw me near. And yet I SO want to be done with this trial. Even as I give my burdens over to the Lord and even while I declare my devotion to Him I can feel myself taking it all back.

There's a perfect peace and joy in knowing that this world is temporary, in knowing that our real home is in heaven with our savior, in knowing that our God is sovereign and just. That knowledge gives us hope in our trials and indeed it is my hope. But I'm still learning what it means, what it looks like to have peace and joy. I'll lay on my face and pour it all out to God and get up and still feel wrecked inside. So maybe I'm missing something. But I read a verse recently that encouraged me greatly.

Psalms 103:11-14
"For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust".

And so I think it's okay that we struggle. It's okay that I fall apart sometimes. Because God knows how I am formed. And He is compassionate. I am not strong. But He is.